This weekend I did nothing. Well, actually I did do something. I went to the beach with some friends to do nothing amid warm skies, soothing sounds, and hand dug holes. Nothing and hole digging can only keep you entertained for so long, though. Necessity and boredom being the parents of invention, we managed to invent a new sport: Colonel Kite Ball.
I realize you just want to jump right in, but sadly you can’t buy a Colonel Kite Ball set at your local sporting goods store (yet). You’ll need to fabricate your own. You need the following things:
- Two halves of a bocce ball separated by a boulder when a bocce game went terribly wrong. If a bocce ball that has suffered such a tragedy cannot be found, any dangerously heavy object will make a suitable substitute such as a piece of a cinder block or some mangled scrap metal you found in the parking lot.
- A cheap kite: preferably one that you’ve repaired using stuff you found littered across the beach in yesterday’s fire pits
- A 12 pieces of chicken in a bucket
- 11 herbs and spices
- Combine the 11 herbs and spices with the 12 piece bucket of chicken at your local KFC. If they refuse to do this, just buy a 12 piece family meal.
- Go to the beach and eat the chicken. Empty the bucket.
- Fly the kite for awhile to get a feel for the wind. Wheeeee. If you manage to break the kite string, skip the next step.
- Tear or cut off a few feet of kite string. Using the two halves of the bocce ball as a grinding tool works great for cutting kite string.
- Punch two holes in either side of the chicken bucket near the top.
- Run the string through both holes in the top of the bucket and tie it to itself using a bowline knot. It is imperative that you use this exact knot. Any other knot, such as a sheet bend or a timber hitch, will screw everything up.
- Tie the other end of the string to the kite. I attached it to the same place that the main kite string connected to the kite.
- Add some sand to the bucket to weigh it down for stability if the wind is too strong.
- Send the kite aloft!
Playing the Game
There are two roles in this game:
- The guy flying the kite
- The idiots throwing stuff at it
If you’re one of the idiots throwing stuff at the kite, you’re in for some fun. First, stand across from one of the other idiots. Next, simply take your half bocce ball or brick or whatever and try to throw it into the bucket. While throwing be sure to dodge the heavy objects thrown from other people attempting to make baskets.
When a basket is made the bucket and kite will plummet to the ground signifying that a point has been made.
Winning the Game
Play continues as described until everyone gets tired of the game and wants to go somewhere else to get loaded or play video games or whatever. When the game ends, the person with the most points wins the game.
If anyone was injured, they lose. This is especially true if they were injured badly enough to break up the game with a trip to the hospital. Also, the person flying the kite automatically loses.
I think we may have invented a great game, or at least a way to get hurt pretty badly at the beach without the use of illegal fireworks. We just need a great name for it to catch on. I’m not sure Colonel Kite Ball will do the trick. Here are some other options. Let me know which one you think is best (or recommend something else)
- Kentucky Sky Bowling
- What the hell are those idiots doing? Ball
- 11 Herbs and Spices of Death Ball